I am writing this post with tears in my eyes (as usual), this time because I have no idea what will happen next in my life. Being a bonafide control freak, this is the most uncomfortable that I have ever been. I want every move to be calculated by me. Needing to know what’s next is vital to my being, for goodness’ sake. This time I do not know. Have you ever made plans for life and things didn’t go as planned? That isn’t what I’m going through right now. It’s worse than that. I am in limbo. At this point, I don’t even think its worth it to make a plan.
1 Peter 4: 12Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: 13But rejoice inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.
I mentioned before that there was a great deal of spiritual warfare after Gershon passed away. It is safe to say that all hell broke loose in my life a few months ago. Let’s run down the happenings, shall we? It has been confirmed that there were people following me around the city. I know who requested this to be done, but why? I have no idea. Perhaps they were looking for clues on how I killed my husband. Yep, I was accused of murdering my husband. Things were stolen from my house by “family.” When one takes things without permission it’s called stealing, by the way. My father-in-law was found dead as well, suicide by hanging was the cause of death. I found out my husband had several chicks on the side and possibly a one year old child, three days after he died. A relative (or three) of my husband’s attempted to fight me at the grave site (I saw the threat, swung first and missed.) Someone called my job to find my whereabouts several times, posing as my brother. There was a break in at my house. I feel like the break in was definitely targeted because the person knew where to go in my house to find goodies. There was talk, maybe Gershon was planning divorce, I didn’t know that either. Perhaps he loved me, maybe he didn’t. I will never be able to tell or discuss these things with him. Can you imagine how hard that is? Needless to say, the series of events following his death because of the decisions that he made had me paranoid and mistrusting of everyone.
Romans 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
There were plenty of people that reached out to me. I was curious why people cared about me so much. Where the intentions of my “friends” pure or were they trying to find me so I could be followed by them, too? I was afraid for my children’s safety. They had to be away from me when they were at school. Maybe the person that repeated “I love you, but your mother keeps you from me” to them would try kidnapping. She had tried everything else. There were adults that were contacting my children, asking to confirm that I wasn’t around. What did they want? I quit my jobs and moved out of the house that everyone knew I was in. With very little notice, I moved in with a relative and I cut contact with everybody. I moved my children into new schools and made them cut contact as well. They have failed a bit at this, but there is always going to be a snake. My husband and I taught them to be way too caring and inclusive of others. Anybody that will prey on a child has a special place in hell, though. With all the ducking and hiding I felt like I had to do, it was like I was part of a witness protection program or something.
I wondered for a long time why I had to experience all this horror, especially at the same time that I was in great despair because of death and confusion. They say when it rains it pours and I was suffering through a hurricane. There was an earthquake and a tsunami thrown in there, too. My world was ROCKED. I nicknamed my perpetrators “monsters.” Who else would prey on a widow and her three children? I couldn’t understand what was happening for the life of me. After I prayed and prayed for the madness to stop, it continued. For a few weeks there was more to deal with just about every day. The crazy thing is most of it had nothing to do with Gershon being dead, directly.
Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean, O God; and renew a right spirit in me.
At some point I came to my senses about what was going on. It wasn’t my fault that I was being treated like this. I had not done anything to the people that were being monsters. They were evil because of the choices that they made. I asked God daily to give me a pure heart toward them all. Emotionally, I wasn’t that stable and maybe their offenses weren’t that serious. It felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare, though. Even still, I believed that God was still God and He has all power in His hands. I heard nothing from Him. He did not grace me with His voice. There were no answers coming from Him. I had His Peace and that was it. The spiritual Lynette just knew that things were going to get better. Everybody else told me that it was faith. I guess it was.
In contrast, there were so many other instances in my life that were much less tragic and I felt defeated in those situations. In fact, I have had so many hopeless circumstances, I thought at one point that I was cursed. That is the biggest lie I could have accepted. I am super blessed. It is my belief that since I had those opportunities to workout my faith before, when this large set of happenings hit me I was ready. I was already equipped and I imagine God was making me strong enough utilizing those other faith exercises for my good. Certainly, had I not had the chance to work those muscles, I would in no way be ready for all this. I have never been in need and am so super grateful. I have never been alone, even in my husband’s death, and I don’t believe that I ever will. You see, I’ve tested the Lord. He has proven to me that my faith is not in vain. With each situation, my faith has gotten stronger and stronger. I wouldn’t wish what I have gone through on my worst enemy, but I’ve got this. God’s got this!
Romans 8:24 For we are saved by hope:but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for
God doesn’t reveal what is to happen next because if we knew, we wouldn’t have a reason to trust Him. If we saw the future, faith would be unnecessary. If you are in a position that seems impossible, do not fret. Keep pushing. I assure you that you have a Friend that sticks closer than a brother. Just perhaps, God is getting those muscles up for the big test. The cool thing is, God thinks that you are worthy to go through the things that you are undergoing. It isn’t by chance. You were hand picked for this one here. You’re qualified. Be encouraged. Think back…have you ever not made it? You are not alone.
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